the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
