She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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