I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
