Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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