my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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