4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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