We named our party play list daddy issues
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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