My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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