Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
