Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So here I am, sexting at work.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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