Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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