He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
