Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
