What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
