Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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