I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
