Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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