It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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