I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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