i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
