it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
