??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
