So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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