Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
