Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
