using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
