Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
