It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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