dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
