I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
