Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
