What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Come on in and take your pants off
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