May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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