Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
