wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
