have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
