My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
