dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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