so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
