I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
