Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
