I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
