3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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