Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
