I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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