tell your sister to shave her snatch
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
