Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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