Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
