The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
