i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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