I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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