happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Are my feet made of real feet?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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