bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
