I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
